Reflections
by vegamarie
Summary: What does it mean to be loved, and how can somebody with a tainted past ever find redemption? Anemone reflects upon her past and ponders how it came about that somebody discovered her worth as an individual beyond her duty as the LFO pilot for theEND.


_Hello! This is my first attempt at writing an Eureka Seven story. I have just recently finished watching the anime, and I felt myself being drawn to the character of Anemone. I have a soft spot for characters that have a tragic/mysterious past and who start out as being antagonists, yet somehow end up changing for the better as the story progresses. This story, as you will see, is written from Anemone's point of view as she contemplates her past and what the future will bring to her._

_Disclaimer: I do not own the story or characters of Eureka Seven._

How can I say this? How can I truly express the words that are in my heart when they feel so foreign to me? I don't understand yet I understand all too well, and the truth is, I don't feel deserving of…of certain things. That someone can accept me. Accept me…for who I am as a person, not for what my use once was.

There is such a huge blank space in the back of my mind, a void that until recently, I never truly cared to fill. In fact, I think the reason that I had no desire to fill that white-washed area was because those memories from the past would have reminded me of what I was before…before I became a tool to be used for the prosperity of some and the decimation of others. To think of what life once offered me, it was a bleak reminder of what could never be mine and so I forgot, or perhaps they made me forget. As it stands, they changed me…they made me into a monster and so what would have stopped them from erasing all vestiges of my pervious life, my life before my existence as a weapon for the U.F. Force? Perhaps, in their own way, they were providing me with some sort of kindness. Had I been able to actively recall the way things once were, when I had a family to care for me who loved me for me, I would never have been able to pull off the horrendous sociopathic acts I performed all in the name of my supposed savior, Dewey Novak. However, this is all conjecture on my part. I probably would have done everything forced upon me because I knew no other way and because I felt such a high level of admiration for the man responsible for turning me into a horror show.

Even now, as I stand here thinking these thoughts, I can't find it within myself to condemn that man. From the pieces I have gathered regarding my past life, it had all been taken away from during the war. My family, my home, my life…it was all gone. And he saved from that, I suppose. He gave me a purpose and that purpose was to be his tool in order to fulfill his grandiose plans. Never once did I balk at the horrible things he did. He was like a god to me; kindness when warranted mixed deeply with steely determination and a fixation for controlling what should never have been controlled. I loved him…I loved him because he made everyone else around him seem weak and cowardly, spineless bastards who could not fathom the greatness of the man standing before them.

Yet…it was all a lie. I thought that he cared for me, that he found me worthy. But at some point, I realized I had lost all of my value in front of his eyes. With that came the realization that I was worthless and because of my artificial nature, there was no one who would ever step up and take his place. It was terrible…to be all alone. To be cast aside and sacrificed because my use was shriveled to non-existence, just like a dried up trapar spring. There was nothing left for me except for the other part of myself, the thing that had been the reason behind my transformation into a modified being, the Nirvash type theEnd.

And so I struck out, partially because that was what Dewey wanted and partially because I wanted to destroy it all, destroy the vultures feeding off the carrion the planet provided. If I had to be alone, if my existence didn't have some sort of worth attached to it, then I decided everyone else should have to suffer the same fate as me. It was a cruel thought, a foolish thought, but when had I ever rationally thought of anything before that point in my life, and what would make me start to think of something greater than myself and that man? Yet, even though I tried to steel myself towards the fate that was apparently destined for the Nirvash type theEnd and myself, there was a small part of me that did not want to go through with it. Because I did not want to die alone. Because I realized almost too late that there was someone who could replace the influence Dewey had had on my life.

Dominic…I couldn't stop thinking about him. I used to consider him to be like all the rest. How could he ever compare to that wondrous creature, Dewey? He was nothing more than an ant I could squish beneath my shoe, and I treated him in accordance with that image. Part of me knew that Dewey had assigned him to be my caretaker, as though I were nothing more than an animal locked in a cage for all to witness. However, I was so out of it most of the time, the drugs that gave me relief from the pain in my body and the terrors lurking in the recesses of my brain, I never really thought of him like that. He was just another annoyance, and so I would punch him, bite him, kick him…anything to help rid myself of my own torment while reminding him that he was nothing compared to me.

So why, when it seemed my torturous existence was finally at an end, could I not keep him out of my head? It was like there was some goodness left inside of me that finally took note of what set Dominic apart from all the others. Certainly, he had followed Dewey's orders that concerned me, as that was his duty, but unlike the men who were responsible for my modified state, he treated me with…with dignity. Yes, that was what set him apart. No matter how much I hurt him or taunted him, he took care of me and made it apparent time after time that for him, his treatment of me was above and beyond that which was required through Dewey's orders. But I was too blind to see it, not until it was almost too late.

Dominic became my savior, whether that was his intention or not. When I thought all was lost, he was like an angel, finally delivering me from that hell I had lived in for years before somebody finally took notice of me as an individual. As somebody who had worth. But that is the whole crux. I want to ask him why he would have done such a foolish thing for a person like me, a cruel monster. I want to know what he saw in me that made me have value in his eyes. Why he…loves me.

I know that if I ask him these questions, he'll just smile at me and say that it's obvious. But it isn't obvious to me. It's wonderful to know that he cares, and it helps me to forget some of the terrible images from my past, but it's such a mystery to me. Maybe it's because of my resurrected sense of morality: I know what is right and I know what is wrong, and in the whole picture of things, I'm not deserving enough to be considered a candidate for someone else's unconditional love. I am not! I can feel myself beginning to smile at that thought. I really am not deserving of his love, but apparently love is an emotion that seems to know no bounds. Maybe…maybe that's why he can see me in that light. Perhaps…

And perhaps that's why deep within in my blossoming heart, I can feel the same for him. He has given me a new life and even when I find myself having terrible headaches or horrible nightmares reminiscent of my past, I've finally become strong enough to combat them internally before taking them out on him. I know that he worries about my health, but truthfully, since he came to my rescue those few years ago, I have finally begun to find meaning in my life that isn't tied to a ridiculous purpose or a specific person. I can live my life for me, and I can live it for Dominic because _I_want to, not because I have to.

Maybe it's also because he has given me you. I don't…I refuse to let you suffer and be tormented like I was. I…

"Anemone?"

Stilling my hand, I turn around and there he is, the object of my thoughts. The man who changed everything for me because just like me, he wanted to. I know he's concerned for me, and it warms my heart just a fraction more, melting away some of the ice that accumulated around it during my time with Dewey. It isn't hard to give him a warm smile, because just seeing him standing there, his hand on the door handle and his luminous gray eyes watching me brings back all the reasons I want to be with this man.

"Anemone, are you alright?"

I nod my head yes and then turn back to you. Swallowing slightly, I want you to know all of these things about me, about Dominic, yet I know you can't hear my thoughts and you are too young to understand the complexities involved in the relationship between myself and the man standing behind me, your…your parents. Stroking the soft fuzz of the hair on your crown, I find the courage to whisper some of what I have been thinking of late to the man responsible for the changes within me.

"I…I want to fill up that blank space in my mind. You know, that part of me that I can't remember, the part of me that existed before I became Anemone. I used to have a family, but I can't really remember them. I don't want…want Rosa to have a family she can't remember."

That wasn't really what I meant to say to your father, but for some reason, those are the words that spilled out across my mouth. Know this Rosa, it's completely true. I don't want you to spend the majority of your childhood not knowing whom you are or where you came from. I don't want you to know the pain I endured, even when I didn't realize what was happening to me. As I have said, I don't feel deserving of being loved, but that isn't the case with you. You deserve everything in this world, and nobody is going to take that away from you. I promise you that.

"What do you mean you aren't deserving of love?"

Startled, I jump back slightly, finding myself backed up against your father's chest. I'm usually not so easily frightened, but I suppose concentrating on talking to you would give him the advantage. Angling my head back slightly, I look up into his face.

"Was I talking aloud? Sorry…sorry about that."

He smiles at me, and it's the kind of smile that reaches all the way up into his eyes. It's the way he has always looked at me, even back when I used to punch him and bite him for no other reason but to make him suffer just like me. Again, that sense of right and wrong within me, to know that even back when I was nothing more than a shell of what I am now, it is humbling to realize how much he cared. To realize how much he still cares about me, Rosa.

"Anemone…Anemone, everyone deserves to be loved. It's by being loved that people can realize their true potential, their potential to do good and make this world a better place. If people withhold love…think about the events that led up to the Second Summer of Love. I'm firmly convinced that what happened was because somewhere along the line, Colonel Novak skewed the ambiguous nature of that emotion with his own tainted agenda. That's what happens when you aren't given love…just a substitute. Argh, I don't know how to say it!"

He's frustrated Rosa. I can see it in his face as he pushes his bangs out of the way. But I know what he's trying to say, or at least I think I do. Dewey used love as an excuse to commit the atrocities he performed against humanity, all in his desperation to value his own existence by eliminating the Scub Coral. However, that wasn't really love at all. He had lost what it felt like to be appreciated as a unique individual, just for the sake of being alive, and that twisted him to such a degree that he was willing to destroy the world as an act of redemption. I was like that once, but I'm not that way any longer.

Turning fully around, I place my face against his chest and wrap my arms around his back, holding him against me in a tight embrace.

"My Anemone, you deserve to be loved, probably more so than anyone else. No matter what you did in the past, all I see is you…the girl I fell in love with the first time I met you."

Maybe he's right Rosa. Maybe I do deserve to be loved, to given affection. However, if I do, then Dominic deserves it even more from me because he was the one who saved me from myself and from Dewey. Pulling away slightly, I smile at him and look deeply into his eyes.

"I'm not good with words. Not really. But I…thank you Dominic. Thank you for everything."

I can tell that he knows what is really going on in my mind because once again, that smile of his lights up his entire face. We are so lucky to have him Rosa. Truly, we are and even though it took me a long time to realize the existence of my own feelings regarding Dominic, without him, all of this would just be a dream.

Dominic, I love you.

_Yet another sappy romance tale from my hand. I hope the ending wasn't too sugar coated or fluffy. This was just supposed to be a look into the mind of Anemone after the events following The Second Summer of Love. Hope you enjoyed, and please leave a review if you would like._


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